conviction

The Lord is doing something in my life. I'm slowly beginning to understand it. But I know for sure that the Holy Spirit is convicting me of sin. More specifically the sin of selfishness. Selfishness with my time, and with my relationships. This selfishness has also turned into pride in some contexts.

I have always been a quiet guy. Never had much to say, and I've always struggled with what to say when I meet new people. I have always struggled with relating to people. But this struggle has escalated majorly over I guess the past year. Or maybe it hasn't really escalated that much, but instead has come more to the forefront and is easier for me to see. I think it is a bit of both, maybe more of one than the other. But either way this struggle has turned into a sin, and I think it is displeasing God.

I have always struggled with relationships, whether it be with close friends, not so close friends, or even girlfriends. I have always struggled with communication and making sure that it is not just a one-way relationship. I think alot of what I have been noticing in myself has been brought to the forefront because of my last relationship that I was in with a girl. There were lots of things wrong with that relationship, but one of them was my communication.

Through some conversations with my last girlfriend I realized how selfish I really am. And it didn't seem selfish to me at the time, but looking back, I think it really was. I would say things like, "There are some people that just don't seem worth the time that it takes for me to get to know them, or talk with them." My philosophy on relationships here at Moody has always been that it is better to have a couple close friends, rather than a bunch of people that are your "friends" but you aren't close to. And I still somewhat hold to this philosophy, but I took this to such an extreme that I would just ignore people, or it would be really awkward around people when I run into them. I think alot of this comes back to just my inability to communicate well, but I shouldn't be using this as an excuse for that type of behavior.

The way this has become sin is because I won't bother to get to know people that I don't want to know, and therefore that turns into the perception of pride. Or maybe it is just straight up pride. But either way if alot of people are perceiving me as proud then I probably really am proud.

So I've realized alot through my relationship with my previous girlfriend, and then when we broke up I just became somewhat cynical towards girls in general. And I've developed this unconscious philosophy that I don't want to get close to a girl, or become friends with a girl unless I have the intention of getting closer to her, and eventually dating her. I'm still processing through whether this is the right way to think or not. I mean obviously I shouldn't be thinking this way all the time, but I think there is some truth in this way of thinking.

And throughout all of these things happening within my mind, and me unconsciously developing these philosophies on friendships and relationships I have been becoming more and more entrenched and obsessed with the world of the internet and technology, and more specifically the world of social media on the internet. I know, this sounds really geeky, but it is completely true, and this has had an impact on the way that I behave so I think it is profitable that I write about it.

I have always been a geek. Ever since my parents got their first computer back when I was in grade school I have learned more and more about computers, and have gained this ability to problem solve in the area of computers and technology. Then our household got dial-up internet, and this started to shape my world. But there was so much limitations with dial-up internet that I didn't see much profit in it. But then we got high-speed internet and thats when I really discovered the internet. So over the years I have learned more and more about computers, and technology.

So through various different social media mediums I developed this desire to always stay connected to those in my network, or on the internet. Whether this was through facebook, myspace, twitter, blogging, or any other means of staying connected socially through the internet. Through this I cut myself off from the physical world around me. I have become so entrenched in the technology world that I completely forgot about actually nurturing those relationships in real life. Even over the past semester I will spend hours upon hours just sitting in my room, reading things online, building online community, and fulfilling that desire for connectivity and communication through the internet. But I forgot the most important part, and that was that an online community is only as strong as it is real life. And this contributed to my inability to communicate verbally with people. I can communicate fine online, but when it came to face2face interaction I was in trouble.

So all of these things have added to my quiet nature, and have eventually developed into almost a complete inability to interact verbally and physically with another person.

Today is the National Day of Prayer and we have been in prayer sessions all day here at Moody and it has been awesome. The Lord has convicted me of this very strongly, and to be honest I have not fully processed it yet. I came straight back to my room after the session because I knew that I needed to write these thoughts out or else they would be gone.

I know that I need to do something. I need to take some sort of action in order to stop this sin, and reconcile it, but I don't think I am prepared to write about what those things are yet, because I don't even know exactly what they are.

But one thing I do know for sure is that I need to stop wasting my time here at Moody, stop being selfish with my time, and start investing in other people in a positive way. This means encouraging others, getting to know others better, keeping myself and others accountable, and I think choosing one person to really invest some time in. Whatever I need to do to accomplish these things, I will do.

So I want to apologize to those who I have ignored, who I've created awkward situations with, or who I've hurt because of my own pride. I am sorry, and I hope things can be reconciled.

You might read this and say, "Josh, you are being too hard on yourself." But I don't think I am, and if I really am being too hard on myself, then thats good, because I probably need to be.

If you have any feedback for me then let me know, shoot me an email or something.

Thank you for reading this, and I hope you all have a glorious day